Gift of confessions
by waeldchen
Summary: A Rizzoli and Isles Christmasdinner is over and Jane is the only one who who is left at Mauras. Maura has decided for all af them to give each other a confession or revelation this year instead of physical gifts on christmasday. But that's not so easy for Jane. Just be patient, we will come to that Rizzles point. But as in real life nothing is going as smooth and easy as we wish.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note:** Engish is not my first language and this is the first time I'm writing more than five sentences in a row for more than 10 years. I'm quite sure there are several mistakes left in the text even though I checked it multiple times. So please be mild but feel welcome to correct me so my english can improve again.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing but my fantasie

Everyone was gone! Finally! It had been lively, loud and a little chaotic. So all in all you could say it went as expected. Just a few moments ago the whole Rizzoli-Clan was here and lively discussing weather this really was a good idea to have a Christmas like this. Opinions have been thrown back and forth but in the end everyone agreed to this way surely was different but that everyone was curious about it. Tommy actually had been the most excited about it. Jane hadn't seen that coming, he wasn't exactly the first of them who would skip traditions. Jane thought this enthusiasm was just him being rebellious again. Maura didn't quite agree but preferred to remain silent about her suspicion that he rather was short on money and appreciated the opportunity not to have spend money.

Cleaning up together after everyone else had gotten home had become a habit for Maura and Jane. As much as she avoided housework at he own place she somehow appreciated doing it here. Or maybe it wasn't the housework by itself and rather the person giving her company. She had to admit to herself that she was getting a little nervous about the next morning and the handing out of presents. Jane gave her best to focus on putting every dish in the order that Maura tried to teach her for the past 3 weeks. She and Mauras new dishwasher won't become friends too soon. She surely already had forgotten why it was so important to stick with a special order but Jane was pretty sure Maura has been telling her something about waterway and temperature flow.

This dilemma reflected somehow how the detective felt about the present she was about to give Maura in about 10 to 12 hours from now. Maura didn't want them to handle any physical presents this year, instead she had decided for them to give each other a story, a secret, something that had been untold until now. It sure seemed like a good idea for Maura, she wasn't related in a biological way with any of them, she didn't even know anyone of them for more than the first 3 decades of her live. Sure t was easy to Maura to pic something. Jane on the other hand would have to face her very own mother tomorrow. A person who always seems to get either upset, disappointed or overenthusiastic about Janes choices. And her best friend who, for reasons Jane couldn't understand, always stood by her side and she didn't want to scare her of.

She had no real idea what to tell her, every interesting story they already had shared. At least from Janes side. The untold rest belonged to the "what I don't tell hasn't happened" pile. And then how would Maura react to whatever she was going to tell her? Would she ask for further information or just take in the story as it would be told? At least then she would have some few options what to tell. Looking at Maura while having dinner with their family gave her a thousand ideas of which untold things to tell Maura. But that would only work if there was some kind of guarantee that nigher her mother nor one of her brothers would interrupt her. That would be just too embarrassing and too easy to misinterpret. Jane was well aware of the very special friendship that connected her and Maura. They were closer than she had ever been with someone. If she had to pick just one person in her live to keep, it would be Maura. It flattered her still that she could this woman her best friend.

Maybe that would be a good thing to tell her?

No, she couldn't. The thought of saying it out loud was choking her.

This was really not relaxing. After wiping out the sink she offered herself a beer and watching Maura letting her Sauvignon Blanc fill the glass. "Would you like watching a movie?" Jane offered not wanting the night to end already. Maura always had a calming effect on her, she made her able to sit down and let the workday fade away until the next call to a murder. "Actually I'd prefer to go on a walk with you, if you like" the words were fading, the last nearly inaudible. If Jane hadn't so concentrated on a deep sip from her bottle she would have seen Maura hiding in the same way behind her white wine. This was feeling a little strange. Not Mauras idea of a night walk by itself this they have done several times before. Mostly when a case became very intense and the cool night-air was needed to cool down the overheated brains. But Maura being shy about it was something new. Giving her a questioning look Jane decided not to ask more about it right now. Instead she nodded "okay, I didn't know the Christmas-dinner was stressing you out that much. You should have said something. I could have helped." "Oh Jane, no, most of the preparations your mom did. Its just... I feel like having a quiet ending of the day and watch the illuminated city. Watching a movie with you isn't really quiet, you always complain about art-house films." Embracing the humorous way the conversation took a chuckle couldn't be suppressed from the detective "Yes! Because they're boring!"

Leaving the house a cold wind embraced both women and forced them to pull their scarfs tighter around their necks. The scenery wasn't especially christmasy. No snow this year but at least no rain either. The lights in all the windows were beautiful, witnessing all the people in holidaymood, windows decorated in all possible colors, shining, blinking. After a few blocks bells from a church became audible. None of them had noticed it already had become 11 PM.

And for just a moment it felt like time was standing still and running through Janes fingers at the same time. Her stomach tickled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Autors note:** here comes the second part! Comments as usual welcome.

By the time they arrived back at Mauras house in was close to midnight and both felt tired. "Would you like to stay here tonight?" Maura offered "You can stay in the guestroom, if you like." Jane loved her own place but still envied her friend in moments like this for both, the fact to have a guestroom to offer and her discipline to always keep it tidy enough so that at least Jane could sleep over here any time. For being suitable for any non-Rizzoli-person to stay Maura would still demand to clean up the room at least 3 hours. Jane felt complimented by that fact. It meant that Maura was able to relax leave behind all rules of her upper class upbringing in the presence of Jane.  
"Thank you, but I think I'd rather sleep at home tonight. I need to get new clothes anyway."  
"Oh I just washed your spare clothes."  
"Thank you, but I was thinking about something special tomorrow.  
"Something sp" Maura didn't manage to finish her sentence before Jane answered the unfinished question.  
"You'll see in a couple hours. Just wait. Okay?"

Jane hurried to come home. It was ten hours left until they were supposed to meet again an in her estimation it was less than the half of that reserved to sleep. At least one hour until she would be in her bed, if she skipped every unnecesserity. Then would be coming about 2 hours of musing about what and how to tell Maura, her Ma, Tommy, Frankie and Korsak. This was really worse than shopping Christmas presents. Then she would have about 4, max 5 hours to sleep before it was time to get up again, showering, getting dressed, thinking over her words to her beloved again, panic, and drive back over to her best friends.

* * *

It was too bad Jane had refused to accept the offer to stay in her guestroom. Having her here in the morning gave Maura a warm feeling. Even if it sounded weird saying this about her, but coming down to the kitchen and seeing Jane partly trying to really figuring out her coffeemachine, partly thinking about bringing out instant, made her feel home.  
Beyond that it would have been a good opportunity to tell Jane her "present". She was sure about she wanted her to know, Jane would be able to handle that in the right way and get it the way she meant it. There were just two ways it could be between them, it always had been. They either understood one another immediately or not at all. But here Maura was sure that there was no chance for misunderstanding. She had observed Jane in several relevant situations and had collected evidences. But still, this was more a thing between the two of them than for the whole family.

Standing in the kitchen and preparing some surprise-Christmas cookies for her guests gave her a special feeling. She knew everyone was counting her as a member of the family but she still felt some differences. None big but she couldn't deny that it felt like this. Like everyone was connected with blue ribbon to the others except for hers, hers were green. Oh and the red one to Jane. It was unclear to herself, why she immediately thought about a red ribbon to Jane but maybe because that color flattered her dark hair. Then the initial chuckle evolved to a loud laughter. All the ribbons in her mind must have gotten too tight around her hippocampus and amygdala when she tried to imagine how it would have looked at her dinner table yesterday if these ribbons would have been real.

She had thought about a proper delivery system for some while in the shower this morning and was sure she had come to a resolution. Now sitting at her desk it took surprisingly a while to find a pair of scissors. It was totally opaque how it could have ended up in the second drawer from below. Who would look for it there? Scissors are supposed to be pencil holder in the spare compartment in the back. How many pieces would she need? And which size would be needed? She herself wouldn't need too many word but how would the others handle the silent change in the ways this day would go by.

Cookies, papers, pencils everything in the right place. After changing 3 times she now had decided to wear her black Camilla Thulin. This was going to be a good Christmas.

There were no expected catastrophes und the Rizzoli universe. Her parents had decided months ago to celebrate in Europe and Maura had preferred not to celebrate with them since she was taking just 5 days off and would never get over 2 jetlag in that short amount of time. But to her the Rizzolis were just as much her family as her parents. At the moment Angela came in there was no time left for any panic. Angela was demanding all her attention, blabbing about her meaningful christmasdreams she have had the last night. Something about oat, rain and children but since there were no evidences about the science behind interpreting dreams Maura was not engaging too much in Angelas hypotheses.

When even Tommy and Frankie were arriving the volume level promptly rose a number of decibel.

Maura got into a discussion with Frankie about the possibility of the perfect murder. Maura felt underestimated by the remark that a murder with no evidences would be possible. Of course she wouldn't deny the statistic probability of that to happen but it was so unlikely that she would never manage to do that many autopsies till she comes to that case. Tommy meanwhile was questioned by his mother how things with Lydia went. And TJ! Mostly TJ since he got a gastric flu and stayed home with Lydia. They trailed the biggest trouble during the last months and even though Lydia insisted on them not getting back together they get got along well.

Just Korsak and Jane were not making it on time.


	3. Chapter 3

**authors note** One more chapter 2015. Hope you like it. Please leave some comments with your thoughts.

* * *

30 minutes delayed even Korsak had made it to the house in Beacon Hill, accompanied by a little squirrel which probably hadn't made enough savings for the winter and surely now would get to stay at the Sergeants place until spring would come to Boston and would repace cold wind with colorful flowers. When Vince entered the house he already had fixed a leash for the malnourished little creature. Between several attempts to let tell everyone how needed he was by his new friend the extended Rizzoli-clan even got to know how dramatic the rescue had occurred and how he managed to get the leash for the squirrel on christmasday. While Angela coddled it nearly as much as TJ, Maura became more and more quiet and made some distance between her and her guests.

It had already gotten one hour since everyone was supposed to be here and still no Jane in sight. Even her texts to her had remained unanswered. The usual reason, an murder called in, seemed totally unlikely since she wasn't on call today. By every minute going by Maura felt panic rising in her a little bit more. Even if her best friend didn't embrace the alternative handing out of presents and grumbled about her family being how they were, Maura knew that Jane never would skip the opportunity of presents and a day off with her closest friends and family. Reassuring herself that everyone else still was crowded around the unexpected guest, the Doctor took the stairs to her bedroom to make the most important call for the day. She couldn't imagine what could raise more anxiety than a missing Jane. Her best friend, Jane, missing never ended good. Chains and knives started to infiltrate her thoughts. This was irrational! This wasn't her, nothing in the past weeks indicated any threat to the detective. And even if there was some villain on her way home last night - Jane was very capabel to defend herself. So this was why she had to calm down right now, take a Ujjayi breath, hear what her friend had to say and neither alert the police-employees downstairs nor file a missing person. This was going to be fine. She probably just didn't hear her alarm.

It rang

and rang

and rang

no answer from the other side of the line. Now it wasn't possible to remain somewhat calm any longer. Nervously the doctor started walking upp and down in her bedroom. If anybody asked why she wrote this one last text she wouldn't be able to explain, Jane obviously was not able to answer her phone and whoever was with her would be warned by the text if he or she read it. But somehow it wrote it by itself, Maura barely realized the words showing up on the display before she hit the send-button. She also hardly had time to read it afterwards since her ringtone shrilled within a few seconds.

"Why would you file a missing person on me?" "Are you alright?" it sounded simultaneously from both mobiles.

"Why would you?"

"Missing person reports document someone being concerned about an other persons well-being insecurity about where that third person is located and fear that something bad might have happened. Reporting someone as missing allows the authorities to investigate." The juridical answer left i moment of silence behind. Janes comprehension of legal effects had never been affected so she had no idea what to respond to these well-known facts. Partly she felt insulted about the fact of getting an explanation about things she worked with on a daily basis, partly she couldn't help but being amused by Mauras literality.

"So you are okay?" the literal one in this call asked cautiously. She wasn't sure Jane had even heard her question a few seconds ago and the silence had started feeling awkward. She was almost sure that nothing severe had occurred by the sound of her best friends voice but she needed to hear it from her. She needed a reassurance, something that reduced her acute tachycardia and hypertension.

The answer of "Sure" wasn't satisfying at all.

"Then why aren't you here? Why didn't you answer my texts? You can't do that! Are you mad at me or something? Or why got I ignored?"

Jane was glad her swallowing hard was nearly inaudible. It probably didn't make it through the telephoneline. "Sorry, I didn't realize it was getting so late, and my mobile was set on silent mode. I didn't mean to worry you."

It hurt to lie to Maura but it was the only way right now. Never would she be able to tell anybody what had happened this christmasmorning. This incident scared her. Ever since she woke up Jane was frightened of herself. If memories only could be deleted like a flash-drive or burned like a paper. But they were captured inside her head. Without any option to get out. The last few hours Jane had been struggling with her mental fight-or-flight desires. She wanted to squeeze this incident in the tiniest box in her mind and put that one as far back behind all other things up there as possible, but at the same time she wanted to talk, there was a part of her that understood talking was the only way to get it out of her system. These were mutually exclusive. And then: who could she talk to? Her mother? No way! She wouldn't be able to keep quiet on this for 5 minutes. Her brother was no-one to talk about such private things with. And Maura, the one she told everything? This was the very first time Jane felt Maura was least of all to know. There are things that are too personal even between inseparable best friends, if you don't want everything to crush. In any case, this was too big vor a tiny box, it rather had the size of timesquare screen.

"Jane?! Hello?! Are you still there?" She must have been deep in her thoughts. What did Maura say?

"Yes sure."

"So you will be here within the next 30 minutes?"

"Maura, I... have you all a nice christmasday. I'm not in the right mood." A wave of confusion rushed through Maura. She didn't understand Janes behavior at all.

"What is that supposed to mean? It's Christmas! This day is mend to be spend with your family. Why are you hiding things from me? I don't know what happened to you last night, but studies show that being alone is not the most effective coping strategy. Come!" The last word was harder than she mend it to be. It almost sounded as an order. But Maura couldn't help herself right now, this was a very confusing situation. Jane barely missed any opportunity to come over, particularly when some time already had been set up, and very exceptionally when her nephew was there. It hurt she would just cancel, without even saying anything.

Maura hung up.

Jane listened to the beeping phone for a few moments. This was awful. But better than any other option. Right now she needed time to get back on track, by herself. She was too embarrassed to ever let anyone else know about these past hours.

* * *

A key was put into the ignition.

A city was flying by outside of the windows.


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors note:** Thank you all for your comments and following my story. I'm sorry I kept you waiting a few weeks now but I'm working on an essay for school and that doesn't write on its own. So I guess this is the pace you have to expect for the next weeks.

I hope you enjoy this chapter! We're going to bring some light into the darkness

* * *

Jane froze. Did she even get hallucinations now? No it was just her imagination playing some sort of trick on her. Being alone on Christmas day didn't feel right, especially not with the knowledge of everyone else sitting together and telling stories. Around Maura's fireplace… with her mother's cookies. She better got busy with coming up with a good excuse. She'd be a fool if she believed no one would ask her sooner or later.

Knock, knock, knock.

There! Again! The slight relaxation in her back that had started was erased and Jane felt like the one time she was fighting Frankie with water balloons in their muddy backyard when one very dirty of them hit Angela through an open window in the back, while she was ironing.

"Jane, open up! I know you're home." And I know I can't take this right now, Jane thought holding her coffee cup even harder. Maybe, if she just didn't move and didn't make any sound the unwanted visitor…

Please, no! For a fraction of a second hiding behind the kitchen counter seemed a very clever and grown up decision. But she already heard a key turning in her lock. Behind the couch? That would be just a backward roll. Too late. The moment Jane saw the high heels enter her apartment it was as if all fell off of her. She had fought half of her very short night and all day until now. It would have been better if her best friend would not have come over and celebrated Christmas instead.

Jane knew what was going to happen, she knew Maura way too well to not know. Maura would ask, she would try to smooth it over. Maura would insist. In the end they would be mad at each other and a crack would be in their connection. But that crack would appear one way or the other, so better take the hiding one. Not unpleasant as on the phone, just silent, not telling things that better remained untold. Especially not before she sorted everything out for herself.

"You should offer me some coffee, too." Jane needed to blink a few times, this was unexpected. But sure, Maura was right and her body acted automatically anyway. Handing over the filled cup, Jane returned to her corner on the couch, putting her feet up as well, to ensure a minimum of distance.

The worries in her best friend's voice surprised her. But they didn't reach her. Mist had risen around her and the unexpected company made her realize how lonely she felt. Her mother was still just that, a mother. They got along much better but still, years and years of deceived hopes and misunderstandings leave their scars, maybe even more when you are hard shell, soft core par excellence. Frankie was the one who always got the permission to all she wanted. He was a boy, when he got in a fight with some other guys, he was becoming a man, when Jane did, she was undignified. Korsak? Yeah, he was a friend, sort of, but still her Sergeant as well. Frost was, but he

"Please!" Mauras begging voice invaded her misty bubble. "Please Jane, tell me!" Jane never had heard this voice on Maura before. "I only can assume what", was she crying? Was Maura crying? "happened to you last night. I should never have let you go home alone that late in the night. Nothing would have happened if I insisted, you stayed in the spare bedroom. But please, I want to help you! Please, tell me, Jane!" The addressed woman felt puzzled, about both about getting even more confused from a state of total confusion and about having no idea what Maura was talking about? Why was she having such a strong reaction to Janes dream?

Silence filled the room when Janes eyes rose up from her mug and connecting with those hazel ones kneeing right by her side in front of the couch. "Please" very silent, almost fearful this time. It hurt to see her this way. Suffering. That wasn't fair. A lump was forming in her throat and her heart became heavy. She needed Maura not to worry, that was too much to deal with right now. The amount of crying people in this room doubled.

"Sweetie, what are you talking about?" as interacting with reality more than with her thought the mist and bubble slowly disappeared. "Why are you crying?" Mauras face moved a few centimeters back from the hand whipping of her tears. "How couldn't I?" "Why?" Neither one dared to speak. Just glaring at each other the minutes went by.

She took a deep breath. Feeling the other one's eyes on her, her expectations, no word came out.

Exhaled.

Facing the edge of the couch she inhaled again.

"You are a part of my life, of course I feel with you. And I feel guilty because I never thought about that happening to you. I guess I always thought you would handle even such a situation." Nothing felt like being clear after that statement. Maura never thought of her having dreams? She knew Jane dreamed. How often had Jane hurried over to hers in the middle of the night after one of her nightmares!

"What situation? What are you talking about?"

"About you getting…."

Deep inhalation

"About someone…"

"viola-" "Oh my god NO!" Janes appalled exclamation downed Mauras whisper. "How could you think that? No, look I'm okay!" Live was back in the detective's body. From hugging the now heavily crying Maura hard she stretched out her arms again so Maura could see her. One hand raking through those blonde hairs her other lifted the inherent face up to look at her.

"I thought you would be happier about that." Jane said with a grin. And yes, Maura chuckled about the bad joke. Wiping of her own tears she faced the other woman.

"I am! Jane I am so relived! Never, never do this to me again!"

"I didn't do anything." Jane tried to defend herself, not realizing profound that meaning was meant to be. Not before she saw into a very serious doctors face.

"No, never not tell me, Jane. I still don't know, why you are so odd today, and don't think I forgot about that. But it can't be worse than what I imagined. So from now on you will tell me, when something is wrong or scaring you or whatever." This wasn't a request, this was an order, but somehow Jane understood that there was no point in question that right now. Despite, something in the M.E.s choice of words seemed much more interesting right now.

" 'Whatever'?" she quoted her best friend. "So no never-ending list of possibilities today?"

Maura stood up now for once much taller than the sitting Jane. "Right now, I'm not in the mood for your jokes. Yes, I'm relieved that my assumptions of the worst were wrong but I still don't know why you made me believe them. The last hours were a nightmare. You owe me an explanation!" It wasn't often that Jane had seen her falling into rage, ant it was intimidating.

Maura was right, she deserved a reason. This loyalty from her best friend somehow made Jane believe that Maura even could handle the truth. At least right now in comparison to what she thought had happened. This comparison made reality look like a fly next to an elephant.

"Okay, but please, sit down, you make me feel like in 5 grade and without homework." She offered the seat next to her on the couch and Maura gratefully accepted. "And you may not interrupt me, okay?" After receiving a nod and swallowing hard, she preferred to focus on her now cold coffee on the table in front of her.

"Nothing happened last night. It was this morning. And I was ashamed, so I wanted to sort my thought out before I faced you. So that was why I didn't notice how late it was or even that you were sexting. Uh…texting, I mean. I was just so deep in thoughts." Proud of herself to have managed that talk without any risqué details she leaned back, to signalize this topic was over.

"No, Jane," the addressed one sunk deeper in the pillows, wanting to disappear in them "tell me what happened!" There wasn't any way out of this.

Switching instinctively to defense mode her tone of voice became more aggressive. "I had a dream, okay? About you! Are you happy now?" Since Maura still didn't understand what she just quite clearly had explained, she really had to give out more details. Was Maura making fun of her, to force her to express it all?

"I dreamed that we were being intimate, and that felt good, just in the dream of course! But when I woke up and felt aroused… That was so embarrassing. How could I have gotten ready and driven over to yours and looking in your face after that?"

* * *

A **utors note:** Thank you all for reading and don't forgett to leave a comment with your thoughts or some constructive criticism


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N** : Thank you for all your reviews! It is great to read what you liked and didn't like. And it helps a lot to work on it. To the guest who had troubles finding out who was talking in the last one: It was written from Jane's perspective. Maybe that helps.

Thank very much, wichkitty, for all your help!

And now: enjoy the next chapter!

* * *

Her heart was beating hard in her chest. This was even more embarrassing than she thought. Why is it that you always turn back into a child when you just made yourself look ridiculous? Jane felt a sudden urge to run to her bedroom, lock the door and not come out until the apartment was empty.

As if to further her embarrassment Maura started laughing which increased her flight response even more.

"Is that all?" Maura managed to articulate after a few deep breaths. There was no answer left in Jane. She felt as if her brain was empty of thoughts but full of them at the same time. What did this reaction mean? Didn't her best friend believe her? Was she making fun of her?

"Did you freak out like this because of a dream?" Maura said trying to clarify herself because she could see that Jane was interpreting her response in a hundred different ways and she wanted to pick Jane up from her state of concern and confusion. Jane felt her reaching out to her but she was having a hard time with this and Maura's laughing did not ease her nerves.

"Yes that's what happened, but I don't see what's so funny about it." Jane responded defensively. She was aware that she was being defensive but she did not know of what. Yes, she did not feel comfortable having fantasies about her and her best friend but who would? She needed to get that out. It was not who she was. Jane Rizzoli does not have sexual dreams about her best friend, Maura Isles.

"You don't?" the latter sounded honestly surprised and concluded that Jane really did not see the humor in all this so she realized she needs to explain herself.

"You are one of the most compassionate detectives I ever met in my career. Remember the case 3 months ago?" The doctor didn't wait for an answer. "You were the very first one to believe all those women that were saying that there was someone targeting them, you were the one who listened to them describing all the small incidents that happened to them, and put them all together which led to solving the case. You never questioned that those lesbian women, who felt targeted or even have been violated, wouldn't be able to trust a male detective. You didn't give a second thought to the rumors spreading in BPD but now that that topic is not job related it is as if someone handed you a nuclear bomb. So yes, I think that's funny!"

Jane just sat there and listened and by the end of that speech she was utterly bewildered. Where was all this coming from? And what does it have to do with her current mess? No one here is gay unlike the girls from the case. This was her best friend, and those were strangers. This was private, that was her job.

"Maura, those two things have nothing to do with each other!" she tried to explain but didn't find the right words to get her meaning across.

"So this is not you freaking out about lesbianism?"

"No it's not! and that word makes it sound like an illness."

"Then what would you call it?"

"Being gay!?" The tension that had filled the air earlier had loosened its grip around Jane. She started to feel like herself again. Somewhat at least.

"Okay if this discussion is not about you being gay," Jane was about to protest but until she spotted the smirk on her best friends face.

"Not funny!"

"You suggested 'being gay', not me and lesbianism was officially removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as a mental illness in 1973. Although there are still some people today-" Maura was cut short. "Thank you for that history lesson."

"So what's the problem then?" Maura accepted Jane's attempt to switch topics and went on to the next, though she didn't think Jane would like it much either.

"Your dreams are ending your sexual abstinence before your body does? That is hardly something to worry about." Jane felt a hand patting her knee as Maura continued. "Jane, sexual fantasies are very normal especially when it's been a long time since you had intercourse. The rates of having erotic dreams increase the longer you go without 'scratching the yearning'."

"'Scratching the itch' Maura and that is supposed to calm me because?" Jane searched for the deeper meaning behind those words. "How can you be so cool with this when the dream was about you?" the words were nearly inaudible. Jane still didn't feel any better about this morning. Talking about touching Maura and being touched by her was not appropriate, at all! Jane was having a hard time separating dream Maura from the real one. How was Maura so chill with this?

"Why shouldn't I be?" the object of her fantasy asked, "I take that as a compliment." Jane didn't have to phrase her incomprehension, her eyes transferred the message very clearly, so Maura explained further. "Studies indicate that you should not take your nightly brain activities too literally rather you should value the emotional link between you and the object – in this case me – more than the interaction."

"Maura, English please!"

"It is more important that you dreamt about us seeing that we are emotionally close to each other than what we were doing – in this case having sex."

Jane needed a few moments to take that information in and see how she felt about it now. She didn't feel all that much different but she felt good that Maura knew, and that she was cool with it. Seeing it as a proof of emotional attachment to each other was definitively something only Maura could come up with but still it made Jane feel a little bit more safe. She should never have doubted Maura; Jane knew her best friend would do any and everything to support her. Jane felt loved – in the right way, in a friendship-y way.

Misinterpreting Jane's silence, Maura took a deep breath. Jane knew, something big was about to pass those lips.

"Originally I intended to give you another truth about me as Christmas present, but under these new circumstances I think there is something more important to tell you."

"You can't possibly have two secrets, Maura", Jane laughed, "you can't lie!"

Maura chuckled as well "Keeping a secret is different than lying. Despite that, you know I learned how to lie! So do you want to know or not?" Maura offered. Of course Jane wanted. She always wanted to know more about Maura so she nodded her head.

"I enjoy the occasional same sex sexual fantasy as well."

Jane stared at Maura for about a minute with the latter staring calmly right back.

"Uh… Mau…Wha?… You did not just say what I think you said!" It was hard to form a whole sentence right now. Her mind was overflowing with thoughts. Obvious ones, plain ones, unintelligible ones, to her own bewilderment even some that were related to her dream.

"Well I think you understand quite well what I just confessed to you. I know you avoid talking about such topics, but I thought it might help you deal with your dream, knowing that it's nothing but normal, and I hope it encourages you to talk about it, if it causes you so much pain. I hate seeing you like this especially if the solution is so easy. So I hope you understand now, that I'm always there for you, even if it is that private. I'll always support you and stay by your side. Just trust me."

"See Maura, that second part was much more supportive. Why couldn't you just stick with that?" Jane half joked.

"Because it wouldn't have made much sense without the first!"

"Wrong! Have you ever seen the second part of any movie? It's exactly the same thing just with other words." Jane was done with being serious. For now, she wanted the rest of the day to be light and easygoing, to leave these last few hours behind her and tease her best friend as usual. Though she hadn't expected Maura to be in the same mood to bring Christmas day back to the joyful kind of day it was supposed to be.

"Agree to disagree! And now get up and go get ready, I won't let you in my house looking like this." A finger started to gesture in front of Jane, indicating the woman belonging to that finger didn't find sweatpants and a worn out sweater suitable for a Christmas celebration. "If you don't hurry you won't get to see TJ." She even added, knowing Jane's nephew is the key to make his aunt dress faster than ever.

* * *

Maura never noticed the knee long coat on the Detective before because they mostly saw each other in some kind of work context, before work, during work, after work. Maybe this was something for special occasions. Though the more interesting things are what's beyond the coat, as in the legs that can go on forever. Unfortunately the apartment is dimmed and turning on the light just like that now would be suspicious. The now rainy weather outside wasn't helping either. She would have to be patient, until they arrived at her house that is.

* * *

 **A/N** : So there was the next confession. I hope you liked it. I'm still kinda collecting all the different ideas of what could happen next and trying to find out what would be the most realistic scenario. So until chapter 6 is done you are more than welcome to encourage me with reviews ;-)


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** I am so so sorry I kept you waiting for so long. That paper I was writing was way harder than I had assumed. And thinking in two different second languages simply was more than I could manage. However the paper is done and I can focus on this now again. This is way more fun!

I hope you like it!

* * *

Jane felt relieved that everyone was gone. This outfit did what she had expected it to but that didn't mean she felt comfortable in it. If her mom had mentioned just one more time how beautiful she looked dressed like this, Jane was sure she would have gone upstairs locked herself in the spare bedroom and waited until everyone had gone. At least no one else had said something. Afterwards she had to say it was an awful idea and she had no idea why she did that just to surprise her best friend. The direct air made her feel as if on everyone's mercy, and the very restricted possibilities of movements resembled being bound to her.

Maura had never shown such a great interest in her wineglass as right now - or the flames in the fireplace. But it was the only way to keep herself from gazing. Earlier it had been easier, while having guests she had enough things to do to keep things clean and tidy. But now there were just the two of them left. Jane didn't have to say a word, Maura knew her well enough to understand how uncomfortable Jane must feel.

"Don't you like it?" Maura looked startled at her friend.

"The dress" Jane explained. The medical examiner felt her cheeks flush. She was unsure how to answer. How she was expected to answer. Personally she thought Jane should wear dresses much more often that those 2 times a year she actually did. So of course Maura was thrilled to see her friend not only in any dress but in this peticular one. A few months ago Maura had tried for weeks to let Jane buy her the dress for her best friend.. Marua had been sure it would suit her perfectly. And it did! The décollté was generous without revealing too much. It ended exactly at kneehight. This was propably the most elegant outfit Maura had ever seen on Jane.

"It is a Camilla Thulin, last year's collection. It has a very feminine fitting form and was originally only thought for the Swedish market. However due to-" Jane's frustrated stare made the stop midsentence.

"I really like it on you. You look amazing." Maura tried again to honor just Jane now instead off even the dress itself and the designer. Maura couldn't explain why she felt so nervous. Jane still played with the label of her beer bottle but seemed to calm a little. Both her Erector spinae muscles and Trapezius muscles relaxed.

"Really?" she asked looking for some more assurance.

"Really, Jane." It felt good to hear those words from Maura. Maura said them without pressure, without trying to make it a thing. Just an honest appreciation of current circumstances. Wow, and now Jane not only started to dress like her best friend but even started to sound like her.

They were really an odd couple, NO! Pair of friends, Jane thought. Memories of last night's dream returned to her mind mixing themselves with harassing comments she had heard over the last decade. Her mind was still getting Jane to want to run from herself but no longer in a panicking way. No doubt that dream made her still anxious in some way and she wished she could just erase it from her memory but she started even to feel angry. Angry about how she looked at herself, how society taught her to be.

"- dress tonight?" She had totally missed Mauras question.

"Sorry, what did you say?" She asked. Jane hadn't even noticed how deep in thoughts she had been. Looking now in her favoritdoctors eyes brought her back to present.

"I wondered if you would like to tell me why you chose this – for you – unusual outfit." Maura asked again. Not sure if it would make Jane talk or feeling interrogated. They now sat towards each other, Jane with both her legs on the couch due to the tight dress. Maura still having one foot on the ground and still feeling mesmerized by the sparkle all over her best friend.

Somewhat awkward Jane's eyes jumped back and forth between Maura and the meanwhile empty beer bottle in her hands while she tried to come up with some reasonable explanation. Originally she just saw one day a few months ago that Maura had looked up this and some other dresses on Jane's laptop. Maura had decided to drag her best friend to another benefit event and then complained that said best friend wasn't dressed suitable. She must have used the time Jane took to redress for searching for some new designer pieces. When Jane saw the last opened page the next morning she just felt drawn to this dress. It was black like her suits, a color of comfort to her. But it was also feminine and sparkling. And if she was honest with herself. It was even longer than her court outfit, which she thought was okay for being a blouse and a skirt.

"You always said I need something more festive. And when I saw it I thought this could work for both of us. I'm not feeling like a clown since it's not too colorful and you can don't have to come up with an outfit for me then you drag me to your fancy upper class events. It was like a Christmas present until you came up with this confessionthing. You know, like making you smile since you finally got me to having something elegant."

"You buy something for yourself as a present for me?" Maura tried to rephrase her friend's last words which had faded to a whisper while Jane spoke.

"No, that was not how I meant it. I hoped you would be happy that you got me a little bit into your world. But that was a stupid-". Jane began to panic and barely took a breath between the words before she was cut short.

"It is okay, I understand what you meant. I'm just messing with you." Maura couldn't help but notice the small sequins sparkle when Jane exhaled in relief. It seemed as if they had exchanged rolls for the moment.

"But don't make me wear this too often! I thought about once every decade." Jane joked to make herself more comfortable when she got up to get some more beer.

They drank in silence for a while and Mauras thoughts wandered back to this days beginning. It might have been the scientist in her searching for all details but she couldn't help wondering about what Janes dream exactly was. She knew though it would be meaningless to ask. Right now Jane would just get up and leave, in worst case even in her own car. More and more questions rose in her, not just regarding last night but even Janes habits.

The strangest things of all was that it didn't even feel weird thinking about her best friend's sexuality. It wasn't normal, no doubt, in fact it was the very first time after all these years they knew each other and grew together as this very close friends. But it didn't feel weird. It was simply an act of getting to know Jane a little bit better. There was no sexual desire behind Mauras thought, but fascination about how another woman experiences and enjoys her own sexuality. Otherwise Maura would have wanted to find commons with her own longings as with so many people before but this was just about Jane. About understanding a sexual behavior and values so different from her own. Or weren't they?

As the fire was turning low Maura decided it was time to bring her silent living room back to live. Putting a hand on Janes nylon covered knee she faced her.

"You're on new year's eve and day, right?"

"Uh-huh" Jane answered mid in the last sip from her bottle.

"Then I have the perfect party to dedicate your dress!" Maura stated enthusiastic.

"No, No way! It was dedicated today, now it may rest in my closet. And I in normal cloths."

"That will work as well." Maura felt a little sad about not seeing Jane in this dress again, but at the same time she was happy her Idea would work out even with a normal-dressed Jane.

The look Jane gave her was skeptical to describe it nicely. A party Maura invited her, suitable in both, glittery dresses and comfortable suits? That couldn't be real. Jane was sure in the end she would have to tell everyone they ran out of peanuts, again.

"First you tell me where we're going!" she demanded.

"No, it's a surprise." Maura answered with an almost sheepish smile.

"But you are totally free to choose what to wear." She added.

"Will I embarrass you?"

"I don't think so, but I can never know with you. If you really want to I'm sure you'll find a chance."

"That's at least something, but I still want to know what kind of party that is" Jane answered half satisfied and half yawning.

"I think we should go upstairs. It was a long and stressful day" Maura tried to change the subject and picked up their empty wineglass and beer bottle. She didn't think it would be wise to tell Jane too much. Even if she thought Jane would enjoy the night as she planned it, she was sure her best friend would absolutely refuse to ever go there if she knew where they were going.

"Can I stay?" Jane asked a little surprised. Truly she couldn't drive anymore this night and cabs were rare on Christmas days eve. She was not the only one tonight who hadn't thought about the way home. But still, Maura didn't like unannounced guests. And they always had talked about Jane using the spare bedroom at least in the beginning of the night, never at the end. Jane never even thought about questioning Mauras guestrules.

"I want you to stay." Maura confirmed on her way up the stairs. She wasn't sure herself why she expressed it that way. There were plenty of better ones. _You are always welcome at my home_ or _you definitely can't drive home_ or just _I'm offering it to you_. But she had chosen _I want you to stay_.

* * *

 **AN:** Thanks for reading! So what do you think is Mauras party? All kind comments are welcome as usual!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hey, thank you all for still sticking with this story. This chapter is the original reason why I started writing this story, so you have to thank Walk the moon for "Shut up and dance". Which is by the way the song Maura is quoting. When I listened to the song the very first time the scene further down just popped up in my brain. The other song who's lyrics are italic is not mine either of course. Thank you witchkitty so much for your help again. Comments are more than appreciated.

Gift of confession 7

Maura felt herself tense when she entered the ballroom with Jane. Miraculously, she had managed to keep Jane unaware of the kind of party she had chosen. She understood that this whole thing was not what Jane wanted right now. They hadn't even talked about it since Christmas; but nonetheless, Maura was sure that it was what Jane needed. She knew Jane was avoiding thinking about everything at all costs, so she would have to be forced to.

However, this event wasn't just about Jane. Maura had added this organization to her "donations list" not so long ago and was curious about how they set up this ball. It might also be a way for her to clear her mind. The lack of communication with Jane last week had jump-started her imagination, or curiosity, whatever this was. Lately she found herself wondering way too much about what could have turned Jane on so much and even how she had reacted to it. These bizarre daydreams had to end.

And since Maura knew that their friendship was nothing but exactly that, what would be a better place to confirm it than the "Annual Queer New Year's Eve Ball" of PFLAG and BCU's LGBT group. Sure Jane and she were close, nobody would deny it but they were still just friends, nothing more. At this event the difference would become more visible than ever.

…

Getting her to talk about the latest progress in their current case was a great tactic to distract Jane from the decorations and banners; that is until they made it to the bar and Jane held her first beer in her hands. Now talking was replaced with drinking, she had time to take a look around. Maura had been unusually secretive about where they were spending this very last night of the year.

When she looked around she had to give her some credit. Jeans, an elegant shirt and a blazer were nothing unusual here so Jane started to relax. There were no questions after she ate the peanuts and there was beer, and not just any beer but her beer. All of this was more than Jane had expected. Though still in doubt about why Maura was so secretive without a reason, she kept looking for the punch-line. Men and women were talking, the music was the usual mix of recent songs and evergreens as far as Jane could tell.

Wait a minute! Women and men were not talking to each other! Women were talking to women and men were talking to men. Aaaaand there were more than just one same-sex couple. In fact, all the couples present were of the same-sex. This can't be true!

"Maura!" she hissed between her teeth. The aforementioned woman turned to her but didn't know whether it would be better to look at Jane and tell her that everything was okay or to avoid her glare until she had calmed down somewhat.

"We're at a gay party!" Jane continued without wait for any further reaction from Maura. "Why the hell did you take me here?!"

Finally, she locked eyes with Jane. She had considered her options and opted for a ball because it would suit them both. She herself enjoyed balls and galas and charity. Jane enjoyed beer, and not having to wear a dress and they both enjoyed each other's company.

"When exactly did you join the gays?" She still was hissing but at least her clenched jaw started moving again. Jane believed that Maura really had good intentions, she always had. Usually she wouldn't question her too much but this needed a further explanation. Was Maura implying something? She seemed oddly interested when Jane told her about that weird dream a week ago.

"Oh, are you being funny?" Maura tried to process Jane's question, when an eye roll confirmed her suspisions, "Well, my donation obviously must have impressed them." Jane showed no sign of understanding. "After you closed the case about that religious fanatic, you decided to take a new boxing class and I decided to join PFLAG." Maura continued to explain.

"Only you would do that!" Jane was still somewhat frustrated but her anger was fading. Maura just wanted some company and Jane was always her first choice. At least there was free beer.

* * *

'Had Jane left?' Maura had been searching for her for about 10 minutes. Their little argument had been disturbed by the announcement of Maura's speech. After making her way up the stage, she hadn't been able to find Jane in the crowd. Now she had to look through all these strangers and hope that her best friend hadn't used the opportunity to flee.

It might have not been totally fair to not tell Jane where they were celebrating New Year but Maura really had been feeling the need to make Jane understand that there was nothing wrong with homosexual urges. Maura herself had no problem accepting all sides of her sexuality and it hurt her to see her best friend struggle so much with the latest unexpected chain of events.

"You gotta be kidding! Jerome Leweis would never drive by your place just to return a wallet!"

"And I'm telling you he was shaking this very hand!"

Hands on her hips, Maura was turning her head left and right, trying to understand. Her panting got the two women's attention.

"Maura, have you met Stephanie?! She's trying to convince me that Jerome Leweis returned her wallet." Jane repeated her last statement now with less doubt and more enthusiasm. "Jerome Leweis!" Maura didn't feel illuminated by this in any way.

"The possibility of your wallet being returned without anything missing is 25,43 %. Without cash the possibility rises to 70,6% and without neither cash or cards it even is 80,39%." Maura tried to overcome the awkward moment, before turning to the woman who appeared to be Stephanie. "I'm Dr. Maura Isles, what items were missing from your wallet?"

The addressed woman looked startled by the question. Jane helped and presented Stephanie properly. Stephanie had recognized Jane when she tried to disappear into the darkest and farthest corner to wait for her friend to return from her speech. Stephanie had lost a sister to the sect murdering lesbians last fall. Jane had been the first to believe women when they felt targeted and the one who connected the loose ends. One thing led to another and now Jane was very close to declaring this woman her hero for being 'The woman who shook hands with one of the red sox' star players'.

If Maura had been insecure about how their evening would continue, there was no reason for doubt anymore. It delighted Maura to see her best friend so at ease at a social event. She could relax now because everything started to turn out the way she wanted it to.

She knew that Jane didn't have a problem with lesbianism by itself. They had talked about it several times either to theorize, to get rid of unwanted admirers or as a joke about their unique friendship. None of that had caused Jane any trouble. Maybe she was taking her dreams more seriously than Maura had thought, maybe she was afraid of the truth. Jane loved to categorize, in more ways than one. Jane had divided her life in blacks and whites, good and bad, fun and boring. So she had her own idea of who she was. If Jane now was doubting who she was now then Maura knew two things: a) it would be very hard on Jane to accept even the possibility of changing who she was and b) Maura would do anything to show her that there was no reason to be scared. It was the 21st century after all, everyone could be everything.

* * *

To say that Jane had no idea how she ended up on the dance floor would be an understatement. Maybe charities with overpriced beer and un-danceable music weren't as bad as she thought but right now was a really bad time to leave. Stephanie and the other woman she had been introduced to were nowhere in sight, or maybe they were dancing themselves, plus Maura was grinning like a Cheshire cat. It was always surprising what little things could make her happy. Still, Jane would rather watch her smile from the bar or at least a table. The shortest way off of the dance floor was the other way.

Subtlety moving backwards worked, the crowd was closing in and Maura followed her path.

"Don't you dare look back!" the loudly whispered words in her ear startled Jane. Maura hadn't shown any sign of understanding Jane's plan. The words didn't really fit in this situation. Maura's words, the woman's, who even corrected adverbs, but this sentence seemed to have a deeper meaning. While still trying to understand what Maura really was saying, she just surrendered to the blonde's enthusiastic pulling that was leading them back to the middle of the dance floor.

"Maura, this is really not my thing." She tried to explain over the music.

"What?"

"I said I don't like to be in the spotlight like this. It's like everyone is watching!" Jane tried louder.

Maura pulled their bodies closer and Jane's head down until they were just inches away from each other. "Just keep your eyes on me!"

"Huh? Stop the confusing words! I'll just wait for you over there at the bar!" Jane desperately tried to escape but she should have known better. Denying Dr. Maura Isles is never a good idea, unless you wanted to infuriate her.

"Shut up and dance with me!" The words were spoken with such confidence that there was no way Jane was going to disobey. Misbehavior would not be accepted. Jane could feel those hazel eyes sucking her in and pulling her back at the same time. They were all she dared to look at, all she could see.

Maura's fingers entwining with Janes might have seemed like casual gesture, but Mauras grip was strong. All Jane could think of was whom she wanted to dance closest to, a bunch of strangers or her best friend. The murmured "I hate you" disappeared unheard within the pulsing music.

The lyrics that were passing Jane by were less and less coherent. The people have become loud and colorful wallpapers. Her body was starting to be in sync with the music. The only thing she could focus on was her Maura. She adapted her movements, her posture, even her mood to Maura's. The source of her current ease was seeing Maura this happy. Seldom had Jane seen those eyes sparkle so much. Seldom were her dimples so deep.

It wasn't before she felt Maura's perfume in her nose, that she realized how close they were. A hand on the back of her head commanded her to rest her cheek against the other woman's. It was amazing.

 _Wheels go round and round, you're on my mind_

The loudspeakers blurt the lyrics accompanied by a piano. Their dancing had been very fast before, now it became slower. They simply shifted from one foot to the other. Left, Right, Left, Right.

A voice announced the approaching New Year and stayed throughout the rest of the first verse. Hardly anybody was bothered by that. Some because they were endlessly shifting from side to side. The others because they couldn't wait for the New Year to begin.

 _Wondering where I am, lost without you_

That was spot on, without Maura in her life it was hard to stay on track. This woman had the miraculous power to ease all her pain, insecurities and dark thoughts. She was the one who dared her to leave her comfort zone and try new things. The kind of things she would never have thought about in her wildest dreams. Maura equals safety, trust, loyalty and home, all at the same time.

 _Faithfully_

Thanks to Maura's high heels they were almost at the same height. Jane was following Maura's lead and swaying her body that was in tune with other woman's but right now she couldn't follow Maura's moves. She needed to see her eyes again. Parting their cheeks, she separated just enough inches between them to see the pale beautiful face. Not all at once so she could focus on one thing after the other.

It was the forehead that she saw first with its long wrinkles. Beautiful wrinkles, those that became visible when she was analyzing something for a case.

The eyes came next, those eyes that tell her so much without any words.

Then the nose, the most sensitive nose she ever met. The one that could tell the type of apples by their scent. Jane closed the distant between their foreheads and inhaled.

The lips. The lips that knew more words than Jane had ever heard. The lips that knew words with more consonants than she had ever learned. These lips that she was staring at right now. She didn't need to see them for her their perfect image was forever etched in her mind, Jane could see them anywhere.

They had stopped turning around their own axis, standing perfectly still on the dance floor

 _I'm still yours_

Two noses bumped into each other. Music was silenced as well as the countdown shouting crowd. There was nothing left in the universe except for the two of them.

As Jane closed her eyes, she saw two pink lips, soft, shimmering on the inside of her closed eyelids. Even if she didn't want to kiss anybody this New Year's Eve, and even less since she knew where they were celebrating, the contact their lips made unintended was exactly what she wanted. She wanted to feel them. That was all she wanted. To feel how soft they were.

The contact was light and neither planed nor expected and it was the most pleasant feeling ever felt on her lips. She didn't want it to stop.


End file.
